Wanderer84's Weblog

Do you miss me?

wanderer84 — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 00:35:33 +0000

It makes me sad that you haven’t responded to my emails… that you seem to be leading life just fine. I’m doing so much better, soo soo much better than I was even a week or two again. But.. I have moments. I click through all your pictures on facebook while I’m watching TV or reading, so I can feel like you are with me again.

wanderer84 — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 04:58:47 +0000

Why is love so hard? I think back to how I throw myself into my relationships, renewed hope – completely forgetting the pain of the last relationship. Being in your arms… that was the only time when I felt “in the moment” – I’m not thinking about how this will make me happier in the future, I’m not thinking about how this is a silly emotional moment that will pass… it is one of the rare moments where I let myself.. no… encourage myself… to just be… live in the moment, not prepare for the future, but be happy now.

And now, I’m realizing that you’re not the one… you gave up, you broke promises, and you broke my heart. Yet, for a while, I clung on, desperately hoping for that moment back again… pretending I had it when I visited you over the holidays… knowing that the immediate alternative was pain, sadness, loneliness. But I knew, it was inevitable, and the inevitable has come. I am sad. I do cry. I have my breakdowns. BUT…. I’m not clinging on anymore. I’m stronger.

I still look at my phone, hoping for an email, a text message, a call, anything.. from you. BUT, I’m learning, with time, that it’s not coming. I still wait, I still anticipate, but I’ve learned to step back, and in my head, I know, this is it… it’s over. We’re over…

”Would you prefer that I stopped loving you?

Yes“

wanderer84 — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 02:13:24 +0000

7 days since my breakdown and I’m going strong. I haven’t called him for 7 days. I’ve managed to be friendly and warm and nice when we did talk. When he emailed me. When he IMed me.

Every time I feel myself starting to cave… the words ring in my head…”I’d rather you not love me… I’d rather you not love me”

wanderer84 — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 02:20:13 +0000

Lacks polish

Overly aggressive

Dictatorship

Should work on that.

Grieving

wanderer84 — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:33:14 +0000

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I find myself coming home every night, dreading the loneliness I feel, the tears that come. I loathe the thought of starting a new day, yet can’t bear the thought of continuing the current one. Every day, I feel the sinking feeling in my stomach – nothing to look forward to, nothing to anticipate. I loved him, so much. I don’t know if I can continue to put myself out there, only to have it end with heartache – the broken promises, the shattered hopes. I imagined a future with you – the thought of being able to come home to you, day after day, was enough to put a permanent smile on my face. For me, the relationship and the happiness it brought, especially during my dark times, was well worth the fights and the arguments. I loved you… I love you still. The sound of your voice still means everything to me – the feeling of being in your arms, of waking up next to you… I can’t bear the thought of letting go. I’m hurt. It hurts me so much that you’d just give up on us… that you would walk away and be okay with it. God, please help me find the strength to let go, the courage to move on, and the faith to love again. Today, only today, I mourn you… I mourn us.

“So you would rather that I stopped loving you?”

“Yes”

Hello world!

wanderer84 — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:04:11 +0000

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!